Be Brave (Part 2)

I quit my job a couple weeks ago. And I don’t remember being this happy in years. I was talking to my best friend the other day and we were trying to figure out if there was a day in the last 3 months that I didn’t have a headache. We couldn’t think of one. But I haven’t had one in two weeks. Since the day after my last day.

Now don’t get me wrong, there were so many things I loved about my job. I worked with amazing people. I got to be in the school with my kiddos everyday and see them a lot. I loved being around the students. I made some pretty amazing friends. My boss was pretty great. I was really, really good at my job which gave me a large amount of satisfaction as it was very difficult.

And there were bad things. I worked in high school athletics where people easily lose their minds and lose track of what is really important in life. It becomes all about winning and playing time. Coaches have giant egos and mostly only care about themselves and don’t realize you have multiple other sports going on at the same time. Changes happen quickly and things fall through the cracks and fires have to be put out. It gets pretty stressful.

But I could deal with most of that stuff.

It mostly came down to a person.

I had this friend the last few years. I considered them my best friend. We shared a lot in common. More than anyone I had ever met. We enjoyed the same things, we shared struggles, we found the same whack-a-do crazy things funny. We became so close it felt like family. And we went through A LOT together the last year. But things were never really healthy. And there were always problems. It was nobody’s fault. We both were messed up and the problems came because of that fact. We made it work the best we could. But this fall something changed. And things got bad. And we stopped talking. I may write a post about this another time so I won’t go into a lot of details but I was left hurt. So hurt. I feel like hurt doesn’t begin to describe the feelings that I experienced and I know a little bit about being hurt. But I haven’t felt this hurt in a lot of years.

Now most of the time when you and a friend part ways you can make a clean break and just be done. But this person still worked with me. Not directly, most of the time, but in the same building. There was no way to really avoid them and the hurt didn’t go away because it looked like none of this had affected them at all. This thing that had hurt me so deeply seemed to have no effect whatsoever on them. They carried on and ignored all that had happened and that added to the hurt. Every day.

Finally after months of negative soul-sucking energy and anxiety I told my husband that I think sometimes a person can hurt you so much that you just can’t be in the same space as them anymore. And this person wasn’t going anywhere. I was stressed out. I was anxious. I made myself physically ill sometimes. It sounds crazy but me and my feelings usually are.  I don’t know why I feel everything so deeply but I do. And I am trying to learn to honor that. And make choices to be healthier and happier just the way that I am.

So I made a really hard choice. I decided to leave my job. I felt guilty. Like I was abandoning my boss. I felt angry because why should I have to leave? I irrationally thought everyone would hate me (which of course they didn’t, I have never felt so fully supported in my life). But honestly it was time. I just couldn’t be there anymore. I didn’t have the energy to do it. I needed to be healthy again.

I didn’t have anything else lined up but I just couldn’t stay. So I put in my notice. I took a leap of faith. I was brave. It was hard and it was terrifying and I was so worried but I did it because it was the right choice for this time in my life in these circumstances. It was the first step I could see towards finding a little happiness again.

And I do feel happy. After all of those super scary, anxious, crazy feelings subsided I feel actually happy. That cloud of negative energy is gone and I can see the sun again. And no matter how crazy the whole situation may seem to someone else it has been the best decision I could have made for me.

I am pursuing a new career. One I sort of made up based on things I love and want to do. It is going to be slow but it is going to be worth it. I will have to make some sacrifices but if it results in a little honest to goodness joy you can bet your ass it will be worth it. I am still scared but I am more happy than scared. And it feels good.

One thing I have learned in the last few months is that before bravery there comes fear. And sometimes it is intense. You get this idea; this thing you want to do but you feel scared out of your mind. Bravery is telling that fear to fuck off thank-you-very-much. It is not our natural instinct as humans. To push past the fear. But it is worth it. The thing I have learned about being brave is that it usually leads to happiness. After the fear comes the joy. But we have to work for it a little. We have to be brave to get it.

So get used to pushing through the fear. Be brave. Find happiness. We all deserve it. You included. Do one thing every day that makes you want to pee your pants a little. It’ll be worth it.

Love to you all. The unconditional kind ❤

 

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