I wrote this 4 weeks ago when I started meds for the first time. It was one of the hardest, bravest things I have ever done. I will post an update on how I am feeling after a month of being on meds sometime later this week but figured this might be helpful for those of you who haven’t read it. Enjoy 🙂
I’ve been struggling mightily. For 2 years now I have struggled with major depression. Over the last few months I have tried everything to help. I go to therapy weekly. I exercise daily. I run, I hike, I do yoga. I spend time in the woods. I practice mindfulness and I practice gratitude, counting blessings every single day. I have made major dietary changes. I practice self care. I serve others. I spend time with my beautiful family and have surrounded myself with a solid support group of family and friends. But still I struggle.
Lately it has gotten worse. There is a disconnect. I see the things around me that should make me happy and have in the past and I recognize them but I feel nothing. No joy. No happiness. Just grey. To make it worse I feel a deep pretty much constant hopelessness. It is dark and scary inside me all the time. And then the guilt comes. I have a great life. I have a great job and a great family. My kids are healthy and happy and pretty much the best kids on earth. My husband would do literally anything for me and has. Over and over. I have no reason to feel this sad. And I feel like a burden to everyone around me. They pick up all the slack. They carry me through this dark time. They comfort me daily when I feel like I cannot go on. And I bring nothing.
I am not a medicine person. I don’t even take cold medicine. I occasionally pop ibuprofen for a migraine but that is about it. I am not a fan of drugs. But that disconnect brought me to the doctor last Friday. Something is not right in my brain. So we talked about meds and I left with a prescription. I was scared for so many reasons. What if I lose my spark? What if that crazy every-day-is-the-best-day-ever part of me gets numbed or disappears? What if I lose what makes me Beth? I wept on my way back to work. At first out of fear and then because I felt like a failure. But then I realized nobody has worked harder than me to get through this. And this is just the next step. As scary as it is I have to admit that I cannot do this by myself.
On Friday I was brave. Probably the bravest I’ve ever been in my life. I know that but I don’t quite feel it yet. I cannot go on the way I was going. I would not be able to survive it. And also I need to be able to listen to my kids tell me about their days and share in their joy and be excited with them again. I want to feel the complete and utter joy I usually feel when I see the beauty of nature in autumn. I want to gasp at the sight of a sunrise again. I want my husband to have a partner again. I just want to feel a little happiness.
And this is the next step to get there.
I am struggling but I know I am doing the right thing. It just feels really hard in this moment. But I will keep going and I will keep being brave. And if you are going through something similar I want you to know that you are brave too. Sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning and trying again in a world that feels dark and scary and hopeless is the bravest thing you can do. And I am proud of you. And I am proud of me. Get the help you need because everybody keeps telling me it’s worth it. And I am choosing to believe.