About 6 or 8 weeks ago I went through one of my darkest times in recent memory. I had a hard time making it through each day. I took that time to share more specifically my struggles with mental health on Facebook and I wrote the following post:
“Most of you know I struggle with depression. Persistent major depression to be more specific with a little bit of anxiety sprinkled in for fun. I have good times and bad times but for a number of reasons this week has been an especially bad one. Damn near impossible actually. The darkness has been closing in pretty relentlessly and the light has been at times almost impossible to see. I have had a few days where I have not known if I would be able to put one foot in front of the other to make it to the next day, and the nights have been particularly long and restless. My heart aches. My therapist tells me when things get really impossibly hard I need to try to see the good around me. It is nearly an impossible task sometimes so I ask others to help me. Because when the dark is so all encompassing you forget how to see the hope and light. I have almost given up on social media because of the hopelessness of the world right now. But instead of giving up I’m creating a space of happiness and a little hope. A space to help me and others see the good that is all around but sometimes too hard to find. So please join it if you like. Let me know and I will add you to my group. You can invite others too. Here is a little description of the group’s purpose:
Please share any random acts of kindness you do (none too small) or that are done for you or just random kindnesses you witness or especially happy news stories or adventures or beautiful pictures of sunrises or nature or art or something that made you thankful today or anything that makes your heart sing. Don’t think for one second that you are not being humble by sharing your kindness accomplishments. I promise they will help somebody’s heart. Let’s make a community of hope and love and encouragement because I need it more than anyone and I’m sure others do too. This is a space for only positive things. A space to fight the darkness. Let’s all share some love.
So join if you like. Invite others. Let’s make this huge. The only rule is to keep it positive. Because love wins, even if I can’t seem to see it right now.”
A few days after I posted this I saw a friend of mine and we were talking about my struggles and my hopelessness and the darkness I was feeling. She said a thing that stuck with me and probably always will. She called me a “joy magician”. She told me that despite living in a place of darkness and feeling utterly hopeless and feeling no happiness I managed to create a space of joy for not just myself but for others who are struggling as well. She said that I was creating joy from literally nothing. I think it was the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me. And it helped. I didn’t see my group as that. I just saw it as a way to cope and maybe, hopefully make it through one more day at a time. But my friend made me feel like I was actually doing something. Quite an accomplishment when you are going through “crippling depression” as my kids affectionately call it.
We can’t always be joy magicians. But we can try to find joy in small things. We won’t always and when that happens it helps to have people around us who try like hell to help us see. If you are on Facebook and would like to join my group go ahead and search for “Random Acts of Awesome/A Little Hope for Humanity”. We would love to have you. Even if you never post anything it is a beautiful space to get away and find a little hope and perspective. To be reminded that there is good in the world. All are welcome. And if it helps you find a little bit of light in the darkness then I think it is worth it. So come join us and let us help you see the light.

I wrote this 4 weeks ago when I started meds for the first time. It was one of the hardest, bravest things I have ever done. I will post an update on how I am feeling after a month of being on meds sometime later this week but figured this might be helpful for those of you who haven’t read it. Enjoy 🙂

I’ve been struggling mightily. For 2 years now I have struggled with major depression. Over the last few months I have tried everything to help. I go to therapy weekly. I exercise daily. I run, I hike, I do yoga. I spend time in the woods. I practice mindfulness and I practice gratitude, counting blessings every single day. I have made major dietary changes. I practice self care. I serve others. I spend time with my beautiful family and have surrounded myself with a solid support group of family and friends. But still I struggle.
Lately it has gotten worse. There is a disconnect. I see the things around me that should make me happy and have in the past and I recognize them but I feel nothing. No joy. No happiness. Just grey. To make it worse I feel a deep pretty much constant hopelessness. It is dark and scary inside me all the time. And then the guilt comes. I have a great life. I have a great job and a great family. My kids are healthy and happy and pretty much the best kids on earth. My husband would do literally anything for me and has. Over and over. I have no reason to feel this sad. And I feel like a burden to everyone around me. They pick up all the slack. They carry me through this dark time. They comfort me daily when I feel like I cannot go on. And I bring nothing.
I am not a medicine person. I don’t even take cold medicine. I occasionally pop ibuprofen for a migraine but that is about it. I am not a fan of drugs. But that disconnect brought me to the doctor last Friday. Something is not right in my brain. So we talked about meds and I left with a prescription. I was scared for so many reasons. What if I lose my spark? What if that crazy every-day-is-the-best-day-ever part of me gets numbed or disappears? What if I lose what makes me Beth? I wept on my way back to work. At first out of fear and then because I felt like a failure. But then I realized nobody has worked harder than me to get through this. And this is just the next step. As scary as it is I have to admit that I cannot do this by myself.
On Friday I was brave. Probably the bravest I’ve ever been in my life. I know that but I don’t quite feel it yet. I cannot go on the way I was going. I would not be able to survive it. And also I need to be able to listen to my kids tell me about their days and share in their joy and be excited with them again. I want to feel the complete and utter joy I usually feel when I see the beauty of nature in autumn. I want to gasp at the sight of a sunrise again. I want my husband to have a partner again. I just want to feel a little happiness.

And this is the next step to get there.
I am struggling but I know I am doing the right thing. It just feels really hard in this moment. But I will keep going and I will keep being brave. And if you are going through something similar I want you to know that you are brave too. Sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning and trying again in a world that feels dark and scary and hopeless is the bravest thing you can do. And I am proud of you. And I am proud of me. Get the help you need because everybody keeps telling me it’s worth it. And I am choosing to believe.

For those who do not know me yet, I’m Beth. Over the last few months I have shared my struggle with depression and anxiety on social media and have had friends encourage me to start a blog. So here I am. To be honest I am a little terrified. This feels like a lot of pressure for someone who could barely get out of bed a few weeks ago.

I am a big believer in publicly sharing my struggles with mental health because through the years when things kept getting worse and my world was getting more and more dark I felt so alone and was sure that I was the only person that felt this way. When I started sharing I had countless people reach out both publicly and privately to share their similar experiences and all I could think was “why don’t we talk about this?” For once I did not feel alone. I did not feel like some kind of freak. I did not feel like an ungrateful jerk who couldn’t be happy with all of the amazing things I have in my life. So many people have gone through the exact same thing. And their shared experiences gave me hope that it gets better. They helped me have the courage to get out of bed and keep moving forward. They gave me the strength to try another day.

My hope is that my oversharing and brutal honesty can help another human who is struggling. I hope that we can make these kinds of talks more normal. That we can stop the stigma associated with mental health. At the very least I want to create a community of hope and love for those who struggle like me. A place to share our struggles but also to share our triumphs. Whether it is getting the dishes done, or going for a walk outside, or even if it is just getting out of bed and showering today.

So join me. We’re all crazy here ❤